Current mood:	thoughtful
Current music:	Everlast - White Trash Beautiful

Waaaaaangst and deep thinking
They're basically the same thing, right?

Just thinking over some of the happenings of my time since I started posting online, both online and off.  Especially more recent stuff but... just built up things mostly.  People.  People suck.  I don't understand it.  I can't stand hypocrites, and I see so many people who say the same thing and then they are one.  Am I a hypocrite too and I just don't know it?  I dunno...

I had a whole bunch of stuff I wanted to say, we'll see what I remember, I got a phone call right in the middle of typing this so my train of thought was somewhat interuppted, heh.

Mostly it's just... I don't understand why people think I'm a bad person because I'm accepting.  Like, I thought this was supposed to be a good thing?  And so many people, online especially (nothing like the anonymity of the Internet to make people brave!) seem to think that like.. if I am not judgement of some things, if I mind my own business, that's bad and I must be a terrible person.  Not frothing at the mouth and damning people because of a fringe part of their personalities means I'm 'just as bad' as them.  Don't get it.  Thou shalt not judge, right?  So I don't.  I might not associate with people because I disagree with something they do, or I might ask them not to talk to me about it, but most stuff, I'm curious about, and there's nothing anyone can tell me they believe that will make me go OMFG YOU ARE A BAD PERSON NOW SIT THERE FOR THE NEXT 3 HOURS WHILE I TELL YOU WHAT A DOUCHE YOU ARE.  I'm not that confrontational.  I don't have a problem with being honest when the situation calls for it, brutally honest, but I'd rather shake my head and go 'I don't get you,' than scream at someone about what a judgemental ass they are.  And like I said... I don't judge.  I don't hate people for being judgemental, if that's what floats your boat then hey, go right ahead.  I just don't understand it.  I don't understand what you get out of being judgemental.  Why is it fun?  Why do it?  It doesn't make sense.

Another thing I don't get is.. why not be straightforward?  It just causes more pain and heartache in the end if you hide things.  If you don't like me, tell me, and please tell me why.  Even if there's nothing I can do about it, I still want to know.  If I'm annoying, fangirlish, perverted, whatever it is that puts people off of me, I want to know.  I don't want to drive people away.  I'm a people person at heart, I hate being alone unless it's by choice and I love having friends and squealing buddies and art pals.  Even if you don't want to be my best friend ever, I'd rather you not shun me, and if you have to do that, I'd like to know why.

I dunno.  I'm talking to Black at the same time and he has some interesting views.  I guess I can understand them but they are just so damn depressing.  He says people judge so that they can make a clear line and put themselves on the 'ok' side of it.  I just feel really sorry for judgemental people if that's true.. I mean.. how low does your self esteem have to be that you have to define yourself by how 'bad' other people are? *sigh*

Anyway.  Just rambling.  As an aside, though, I'd like to know what my negative qualities are.  What don't people like about me?  No one has had the balls to tell me so far...all I know is what I see, and apparently I'm looking through a different lens.